Tuesday, November 11
It feels unexpectedly refreshing to be up during the wee hours of the morning. I think I'm at my optimal right now, but I'm thinking I need to sleep soon, if not I'll wake up later than I want it to be.
I'm counting down. Not surprisingly. Right now I have this single-minded target, which would be to get through this period of my life with minimal injuries. It gets quite hard to concentrate somewhere in the middle of the night, because that's the time when somehow your feelings start to simmer and you start to over-think about certain things, and there's certain emotional buildup. But other than that, I like studying at night, when everything is quiet and peaceful and you are just looking at your notes.
It's pretty cool, but it can be lonely.
Anyway.
Discounting the fact that I have to go through exams right now, I can't see myself doing anything else. I can even foresee my upcoming month to be packed with FYP stuff. I just calculated my GPA. I need a minimum of about 4.2 to maintain my grades, provided I can get at least a 4.5 next semester. It's getting so tiring. I'm seriously not bothered about my GPA, but there's just this something that's niggling at me to go for it, compounded by external factors too. I'm really tired of trying. This semester is tiring enough as it is without trying, but I'll leave the complaining aside. I'll just... "try my best".
So seriously, what does it mean by trying my best? Here I am, typing nonsense on this blog instead of putting some more effort in studying, so does it mean I'm not giving my absolute best? Where is the line that defines your "best"? I can honestly tell you I haven't felt so intense a pressure on me in all 3+ years of my uni life, and I'm really working my ass off for this coming exam, but I kind of lost the meaning in doing all this.
I know, I have to study hard --> get good grades --> get good job. That's always the surface ideal. Beyond these superficial reasons, I simply can't see it. Yet my body continues to tire itself out for something that I don't understand. Maybe in the near future I'll reap the efforts I sowed now, and then I'll give full appreciation for what I've done. But does that mean I have to slog so hard right now?
I'm really tired, and I'm scared of failing to achieve what I set out for even though I'd put in so much effort.
Posted by Isabelle at 5:20 am